Trading Insults
by mypiratecat1
Summary: Humorous one shot.  Post AWE.  Jack Sparrow explains to William and Elizabeth Turner just how he insulted Sao Feng during his first visit to Singapore.


_**Disclaimer: **No matter how hard I try to convince 'em, Disney won't let me keep 'em fer meself._

_**Author's note: **Same as always. In my fics, William has won his freedom from the Flying Dutchman with certain conditions, and he and Elizabeth are crewmembers on the mighty Black Pearl. Her lovely, eccentric captain is quite pleased about this. Pirate Cat_

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"OI! Dammit, Izzy, be careful!"

"Oh, Jack, it isn't that bad! I don't think that it will even need stitches... quit moving! It will start to bleed, again!" Elizabeth Swann Turner admonished Captain Jack Sparrow hotly, as she pressed down hard upon his bleeding back. Jack's first mate and Elizabeth's handsome young husband, William Turner, looked on guiltily as he stood over the scene... Jack was lying, shirtless, upon his stomach on his bunk, while Elizabeth lifted the towel from the wound that William, himself, was responsible for. Jack buried his dark face in a pillow, as Elizabeth pressed down harder.

"OW!" the captain squirmed away from her, as Elizabeth finally took a towel and snapped it across Jack's bare shoulders. His dark head popped up from the pillow, and he glared at her darkly, as William took the bottle of rum that was being used to cleanse the wound and shoved it into Jack's hand. "Jack, I'm sorry, mate ..."

As Elizabeth finally was a bit more gentle in placing pressure upon the bleeding, the captain sighed, and mumbled, "S'alright, whelp. We both needed t' brush up on our swordsmanship, an' I forgot tha' you no longer follow th' rules of engagement, either... at least it's jus' a flesh wound... isn't it?" Jack's fearful eyes peered around at Elizabeth, and she smiled at him a little.

"Yes, Jack... it will need to be bandaged, but will hardly leave a scar." She finally lifted the towel from the narrow, oozing cut and affectionately patted Jack's bare back, "You'll live!"

As he finally sat up gingerly and let Elizabeth dress the wound with gauze, Jack cautiously asked, "It didn't ruin me dragon tattoo, did it?" He took a pull from the rum bottle and winced, then, grinning, handed the bottle over to a guilty William as a peace offering.

Elizabeth smiled and replied, "No, your dragon tattoo is just fine... so, Jack..." she continued, airily, "...you still haven't told us why you got this tattoo after you insulted Sao Feng the first time you visited Singapore..."

As William leaned in, his elbows upon his knees, he added, "When we were seeking out the charts to find you, once Sao Feng found out it was you that we were rescuing from The Locker, he got rather... agitated." William was always one for understatement, and 'agitated' seemed like a good description for 'furious'... although Sao Feng's two handmaidens mysteriously had giggled at the mention of Jack's name. "His two ladyfriends seemed amused..."

"Ahhh, Shan and Jing..." Jack said, sadly, "... nice girls, those two... too bad wot Mercer an' his little band of trained monkeys did t' them. They were only young things when I first visited Singapore... a lot of fun." Elizabeth looked at the captain with wide eyes as he said this, and he drew himself up defensively and said, "We only shared conversation, nothin' else, Izzy. They were TOO young fer me... so get yer mind outta th' bath house, love..."

Elizabeth tied off the gauze around Jack's middle with a tug, as he grunted and frowned at her, goodnaturedly. Mischeviously winking at her smiling husband, she traced her fingertip over the dragon tattoo across Jack's lower back, knowing that he was ticklish, there. Jack jumped, and finally moved away from her, turning to William and saying, "Get her away from me, William!"

As Elizabeth sat in William's lap and they curled their arms around each other lovingly, Jack continued, his long fingers punctuating his story while curled around the neck of the rum bottle.

"Now, Shan an' Jing were jus' young things... sisters, th' two of 'em... an' their family was very poor, so they were sold to Sao Feng as handmaidens. Aye, you two, ye both know wot that entails, so I won't go into it..." Jack shook his head, "... but they were good wif it, as Sao Feng always had plenty of food around fer their consumption, an' he didn't expect 'em t' entertain anyone but him... he didn't share, as it were, an' tha's fine. Now... before I go any further... wot was yer true opinion o' Sao Feng?" Jack's head tilted to one side, and he regarded his two best friends with a bit of caution.

William looked at Elizabeth, and spoke first. "He was forceful, and aye, he was powerful, but he did not strike me as being very smart, Jack. He really thought that he would get the Black Pearl in exchange for you."

"So did you, mate..." Jack countered, with a slight smile. William looked guilty, again, as Jack reached over and patted his arm gently. "Done wif, mate. I expected all of it. Things were fallin' apart fer th' pirate world. We fixed that, savvy?" He grinned triumphantly, as William could not help but grin back at his friend.

They both turned and looked at Elizabeth, who'd had the most dealing with Sao Feng at World's End. Her eyes became veiled with anger and she sneered, ever so slightly. "He was a brute. He was only interested in me because he thought that I was Calypso. I had no remorse when he died."

"Well, mates, I thought the same things. Sao Feng was powerful, aye, but he was an ignorant lummox." Jack belched slightly, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand... the perfect picture of elegance himself, the Turners both thought, affectionately of their friend. The Captain went on.

"I was offered th' hospitality of Sao Feng only because I was a fellow Pirate Lord, no other reason. I was stayin' there for a few nights whilst I was passin' through... Hector Barbossa an' my Pearl were not far ahead o' me, an' I needed t' come up wif a boat t' follow them t' mainland o' China, so I was hopin' t' obtain th' same from Sao Feng, but he was bein' stubborn." Jack rolled his eyes in mock frustration as he recalled the experience, and the Turners chuckled. "He insisted tha' I stay on an' listen t' all o' his tales of glory, an' admire 'is cuisine... " Jack wrinkled up his nose... he disliked Chinese food..." ... an' he made me listen t' some damned awful musicians..." He twiddled his fingers as if he were playing a guitar. "... they were no match fer ol' Edward Jonathan Teague as a musician..." he muttered, paying grudging homage to his father.

"Well, I finally had jus' about enough o' all o' this, an' was preparin' t' take me leave, wif or wifout a boat, an' I was visitin' wif Shan an' Jing one evenin', tellin' of me own exploits as Captain Jack Sparrow, an' I am sure that they were enjoyin' it, immensely!" Jack grinned his most cheeky grin, spreading his arms out wide as he spun his yarn, with William and Elizabeth watching him in amusement. "They even gave me my own name in Cantonese!" As he drew himself up proudly, he tried valiantly to pronounce some Chinese syllables that were quite a challenge for someone who could not get his mouth around speaking English most times.

As he finally was able to get the name that Shan and Jing had endowed him with, Jack smiled proudly and stated in a grand fashion, "They told me that it means '_Great Fighting Dragon o' the Caribbean'_! Tha's why I got a dragon tattoo!... ooo... ow..." he winced, reaching back to the bandage.

Elizabeth bit her lip hard, and William could feel a giggle starting as he was holding her against him. She finally could not help but snicker more loudly, and it then bubbled into a full peal of laughter. Jack blinked at her with a bit of a frown, twiddling the rum bottle a bit. "Wot's so funny, Izzy?" His mustache twitched nervously... he was wondering what she found so amusing.

"Jack... in the short time that I was the captain of the Empress, I learned a bit of Cantonese from Tai Huang." She looked into the captain's dark eyes almost apolegetically, as his bravado seemed to be melting right before their eyes. As his face fell, she tried to think of a kind way to put it, "... Shan and Jing were teasing you, darling... the name that they gave to you really means...'_Skinny Little Dragon Who Boasts Too Much'_..."

William turned and regarded his wife with his mouth dropping open, aghast that she would be so honest to puncture Jack's ego so blatantly, and then he, too, started to laugh a little. Jack stared at them for a long while, taking this all in, and then he stifled a rather large pout with another pull from the rum.

Drawing himself back up, and wincing from his flesh wound, he sniffed haughtily and said, "Well... the '_dragon_' part is th' same! Not nearly as good as my name fer Sao Feng!' Waiting to turn the conversation back in his favor, he looked down his nose at the Turners, deciding to live up to being a skinny little dragon who boasts... smiling slyly, he said, "Alright, Izzy, wot does 'Sao Feng' actually mean?"

"Well, it loosely translates to mean '_Howling Wind'_..."

Jack closed his eyes halfway, leaned back in a superior fashion, and said, "My insult to him was calling him..." and he tried to wind his mouth around some Cantonese words that made Elizabeth whoop with glee. Jack enjoyed the reaction, as William looked at both of them in frustration. "Alright, you two, you are losing me!" William said, "What does _that_ mean?"

As Elizabeth buried her face in her husband's shoulder in giggles, Jack said, "None of us knew tha' Sao Feng had come into the room when we were laughin' at me new name fer him... after putting up wif all o' his own boastin' fer two days, an' not even gettin' me a boat out of it fer all o' me havin' t' listen t' his never shuttin' 'is mouth," Jack waggled his fingers like as if his hands were talking ducks, "... I changed 'is name from '_Howling Wind' _to '_Big Bag O' Steamy Hot Air Wot Smells Like Gas_'... "

William burst into laughter as Elizabeth broke into giggles, again. William grinned, and said, "In front of Shan and Jing???? No wonder Sao Feng wanted to kill you!"

Jack chuckled, himself, and said, "So much fer any more of Sao Feng's hospitality... ow..." he winced, then shrugged with a grin. "... oh well... I was tired o' stayin' in a stinky ol' bath house, anyways...I headed straight fer a tattoo parlor... 'Fightin' Dragon'... 'Skinny Little Dragon'... better'n bein' a big bag o' steamy hot air," he reasoned, "... wot smells like gas." And he belched, again, almost elegantly.

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End file.
